Fear
by julie05fan
Summary: Fear. Panic. Sometimes even terror. What if someone knew? What if anyone found out? That you weren’t always the perfect friend, perfect coworker, perfect astrophysicist they believed you to be.


A scene in the episode, "Frozen", really hit me. Just the way Sam said "fear", and everyone turned to look at her. So I ran with it. Perhaps a little AU, but I think it could still work with the show.

Rating: PG-PG13

Spoilers: slightly for season 6's "Frozen".

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate SG1

Summary: Fear. Panic. Sometimes even terror. What if someone knew? What if anyone found out? That you weren't always the perfect friend, perfect coworker, perfect astrophysicist they believed you to be.

000000000000000

Ayanna, the Ancient woman, understood him, could mimic his words, knew exactly what he was saying.

"But I don't understand," Jonas queried. "If she can communicate with us, why won't she?"

"Fear," Sam stated.

Everyone turned to look at her.

000000000000000

Fear. Panic. Sometimes even terror. What if someone knew? What if anyone found out? That you weren't always the perfect friend, perfect coworker, perfect astrophysicist they believed you to be. That there was a time in your life you would erase if you could because it wasn't you. At least it isn't you anymore.

You graduated high school two years ahead. They probably would have guessed that.

You left home at sixteen. Your dad was driving you crazy. Levelheaded you? No, they probably wouldn't have guessed that. Wouldn't have guessed you were the type to take the bus in the middle of the night, with $200 in your pocket, a note left on your dad's bedside table, headed for Washington simply because you thought it would be a cool place to live. Not a chance they would guess that.

Bet they wouldn't have guessed you waited tables in a bar just barely making ends meet. Not the quaint type of bar like on _Cheers_. It was a rough place where the patrons expected more than free refills for the tips they gave.

You lived in your car for two weeks and found that alcohol really _was_ a refreshing substitute for food. Not even Janet, your best friend who has seen her share of trouble, would have guessed you moved in with the first guy who asked just because you were hungry and couldn't pay your own rent anymore – big blue eyes only swayed the landlord for so long.

He was with the Air Force. He was away most of the time anyway.

But being in a clean, warm apartment, bills paid, and fridge full stirred something inside you. Basic needs met, you started taking some pride in yourself again. And you didn't want to just settle anymore. You wanted better for yourself. So you checked into rehab, attended all the classes and group meetings, and worked your way up at work. Became manager and started taking night classes. Wouldn't your old high school teachers be relieved to know you'd continued in the field they knew you were destined for? That you loved more than anything?

And so your dreams were filled with stellar drifts and wormholes and formulas once again. This was your passion. You quit the bar and took a job in a lab. Simple work, but it was the stepping stone. From there, you started quizzing your boyfriend about opportunities with the Air Force. He laughed, but he told you anyway. Told you about the most difficult jobs, trying to discourage you, but they only made your dreams more vivid and thrilling.

So, at 21 years old, just before you finished your undergraduate degree, you walked into the recruiting office, and, thankfully, never looked back.

So you made something of yourself. You did it the hard way, but you did it.

Proud of yourself? Oh yes.

Want your friends and coworkers to know just how imperfect you are? Oh no.

They trust you with their lives. Why make them change their minds now? What they don't know won't hurt them. Or will it? Do they understand just how resourceful you are? Or how far you're willing to go for self-preservation?

How about when they helped you move in to your first house, paid for in full with your own money? No way they knew how important that was. Or the small rush you get every time you open the fridge and see it full of food you bought all by yourself.

Fear. Very afraid when Jonas showed up at the SGC in the beginning. You knew he didn't know just how you'd used him. But still… What if the others figured it out?

And what would Jack think? All the belief he has in you? All the pride in you as one of his friends and team members? Why destroy all that?

Fear. A fear Jolinar shared. Fear that Martouf would find out just how far she went to escape from Netu.

Even your dad doesn't know everything. You covered for yourself really well.

And so you remember the secret you. She who survived for five years. She who pulled you together and pushed you to become who you are today. She who told you just how much you could offer the world just by following your dreams.

You acknowledge your achievements, your secret successes.

Because no one else will ever know. Should never know how far you are from perfect. You've been lying to them for nine years now. No need to disappoint them.

You can carry on the deceit. You'll never crack. You've worked too hard. It's too important.

000000000000000

"Fear?" Jack repeated.

Sam looked down and blushed.

Jack studied her for a moment. Something about the way she'd said that… But…

_Nah, not Carter. What would she know about fear and secrets anyway?_

000000000000000

Julie05fan

000000000000000


End file.
